TALES FROM THE SIMP: A LESSON LEARNED

 



This is a cautious tale of what happens when you invest in a woman who is looking for help instead of love.



I met a girl on the inter webs, smoking hot. We talk, she seems cool as fuck. We exchange numbers and start texting. A day later I get nudes without asking. She’s in a shit relationship and wants out. I tell her I’ll come to Idaho and see her which I do. In the course of taking she says why don’t I just come back to Texas with you. Cool, I’m down. So I drive to my home with her and she moves in. I’m paying everything since she has no job yet. My apartment is too small and only has one bedroom so where is her son gonna sleep when he comes? So I move, $600 increase in rent. Which I’m still paying even after she gets a job. No worries, things are good, sex is great. I’m
Paying to fly her back to see her kid. I go all out for her kid’s birthday. I really like the little dude and he gets attached to me.

Fast forward where she gets all butthurt over stupid little shit I did or didn’t do and she always thinks I’m after other women. Meanwhile she is posting thirsty shit on Instagram. She suddenly gets very protective of her phone. There is a laundry list of other shit too long and painful to list here. Shit I should have seen. But turned a blind eye to.

She wants be to give up my job and go to Utah because she hates Texas and wants to be closer to her kid. Who she sees 4 times a month. I originally agree until I find out I’d be taking a $20,000 a year pay cut and lose my retirement. In 15 years I get 73.6% of whatever my highest salary is. So when I tell her I’m not gonna go she flips out and moves out.

I had bought her kid a tablet to use. As well a shit ton of other stuff. So one morning I’m like “what the fuck did I do with that tablet?” I find it and start to use it. I download Instagram and it takes me to her account. I read her messages and she was flirting with other dudes and talking shit about me as far back as June ( this is September)

So when I call her out on it she tries to blame me why the fuck would I look at her shit. Cuz you left it on my property. And then tries to justify her actions saying that I lied ( about brushing the dog and cleaning the car box) and that I broke her trust. I’ve never cheated in my life. She then tells me “men taught me how to cheat, men taught me how to lie.” Then proceeds to tell me she believes in Karma and that I will get mine for going into her private messages.

The tale is much more involved but I’m sure you stopped reading 5 minutes ago. Point: I was an upstanding man who treated her like gold and she fucked me over. Blamed her childhood, her past shit relationships, everything but herself. Because she had “ morals and values” And was all about “god”.

#NATESEASON

Ladies & Gentleman it is officially Nate season. A lot of broads will be in a bind, and they'll be contacting their "Nate" to pay some bills. You know that iPhone 11 isn't going to pay it self. "You know what you gotta do Stony"Check out the key dates of #NateSeason

Nate Season by R. Ahkbar

Summer: Ho3s with kids need somewhere to dump their kids during the day while they engage in hoe activities but that shit ain’t free and they’ve already planned to squander their money by going in on an interior room on the bottom deck of a cruise ship with 8 other hoes
Back to School time: After living their best lives all summer, these hoes with kids are looking for handouts for school clothes, school supplies and shoes. However, they usually miss the free giveaways and end up “in a bind”
Christmas: Usually these broke ass hoes can’t even buy their kids anything nice for Christmas. Hell they can barely afford rent if they’re not living with their mother or grandmother. In comes Nate! “You know what you gotta do, Stony!”

Also: 1st of the month, birthdays, Thanksgiving and Spring Break.

TALES FROM THE SIMP: THE WALL

Before we start the first installment of Tales From The Simp, take a look at this picture:

This is a sad case of simping. But it can be used as a valuable lesson. When she hits the proverbial wall, she'll be begging for a nice guy to take her out on dates. And that brings us to the following story.





When I was in high school I met a girl that was friends with my homeboy’s sister. I liked her but she liked all the flashy dope boy types. I used to be the friend that she would call about those guys (Sad I know). Anyway she knew I was smart so whenever we were class together she would partner up with me. I was dumb enough to think that she liked me. I would do all the work and she would claim half the credit. Fast forward to college: we go to the same school. She is single so I decide to write her a letter detailing how I felt. “Those other guys are no good.” “I’ll treat you right” all that BS. She never responds. I never say anymore about it. I never ask her out. I barely talk to her except when I would see her in school. But I start getting more attention from other women. She starts seeing me with other women. She starts dropping subliminals “You look like a player” “You got all the women” She even tells a mutual friend that “ I won’t give her any play.” I graduated first and I don’t see her for a while. But then I get a job working in the same building as her but a different company. I see her about 10 years from college. About 70+ pounds heavier and of course a single mother. She wants to know when we will hang out. I tell her I don’t hang out much. I just work and go to the gym. She mentions a kid no husband and deflects when I ask about the father. When we’re done talking I tell my other friend that I ran into her. He asks what does she look like. I send him this picture. He calls me back and says that she looks like a cheeseburger

and that I dodged a bullet. I haven’t seen her since. The End.

HUSTLERS REVIEW

Before we start this review, I just want to say the following:

1. J’Lo has a bad body for a 50 year old. And the broad still can dance.
2. Movie producers should never ever ever let Lizzo be half naked in a movie again.
3. Cardi played her self in this movie. She has years and years of stripper experience. She should win an Oscar for playing a stripper.

The Review:

“We saw Hustlers before in 1995, and they called it “Showgirls”.

Hustlers is a movie starring, written & directed by ho3s for ho3s. This movie stars Constance Wu as struggling stripper who gets mentored by a single mother who’s a veteran stripper. The two start working together, and their friend ship blossoms as they recruit other strippers to begin their extortion scheme of wealthy white men. The movie is basically a cautionary tell of what happens when you “pay her to leave” or you believe in the mantra “It’s not tricking if you got it”. The best part of the movie by far is the big asses and the titties, and the end credits lol. I know it’s based on a true story, but it’s hard to believe a story where a 50 year old stripper and a obese stripper have jobs. And if the genders were reversed, and it was male strippers finessing wealthy women, they would’ve screamed misogyny instead of “female empowerment”. It also shows how p*ssy privileg works when it comes to crimes. However, it is entertaining to say to least if you’re bored if you wanna see asses and titties. It’s basically Showgirls+ and extended episode of HBO’s Bunny Ranch.

SIMPING IS AN ADDICTION

ad·dic·tion

/əˈdikSH(ə)n/

noun

1. the fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity."he committed the theft to finance his drug addiction"

2 synonyms:

3 dependency, dependence, craving, habit, weakness, compulsion, fixation, enslavement

Simping is an addiction. It’s no different from someone addicted to porn, alcohol, hardcore drugs, or even eating. Pay attention to the synonyms of addiction: dependency, habit, weakness, fixation and enslavement. As a simp, you’re addicted to being a emotional door mat. You’re pre-conditioned to doing simp sh*t. The only way you can break the simping cycle is if YOU want to. YOU have to want to change your habits. People can assist you in ending your simping, but at the end of day you have to want to. It’s not easy. And most recovering simps end up back to their simping ways. But if you pay attention, you can stay clean and help others.

THE HBK AND SUNNY STORY

Taken from: The Rise & Fall of Sunny (Always credit the source)

"Late in 1996, things started to get pretty rocky between Chris and me and we decided to take a little break. Many nights he stayed at his mother’s house, or his father’s house, or got a hotel room. When you’re on the road with someone 24/7, you tend to get on each other’s nerves.

We weren’t totally broken up, per se, but we weren’t totally together, either. We kept up the charade of being a happy couple at work because it really wasn’t anyone’s business.

As mentioned in one of the early chapters, was in love with Shawn Michaels when I was 13 years old. So now, being a co-worker and in the same locker room as him, I couldn’t help but admire him, up close and personal.

He was always very nice to me, much different from how he treated the boys with the exception being the guys in “The Clique.” He was extremely charming, and even more handsome and sexy than he was back when I was 13.

One night we had a skit to do together. He was going to be in the ring when a bunch of heels hit to take him out. He was to fight each one of them off and then call me into the ring. I was supposed to get in the ring like a shy schoolgirl, and he would motion to me to pucker up, like he was going to kiss me. He would then turn away and “diss me,” as the live TV show went off the air. After we faded to black, he was to turn around, grab me, and kiss me, much to the crowd’s delight.

Backstage, when everyone was talking over what they were going to do, Shawn pulled me aside and asked, “So, what kind of a kiss can I give you?”

“Any kind of kiss you want,” I replied, in the sexiest voice could I conjure up, giving him a little wink and a smile.

He was happy to hear that, smiled, and walked away.

So it was time. I’m ringside and he calls me into the ring. I walk over to him, he turns away, turns back and grabs me and dips me. He laid the hottest, sexiest, wettest kiss I had ever experienced, right there in the center of the ring. As he was kissing me, which felt like five minutes and was probably darn close to that, he laid me down on the canvas and CONTINUED to kiss me (and dry hump me a little as well.)

I gotta tell you – it was GOOD … and I LOVED it! I didn’t want it to end, and the Crowd loved it more! They were howling like Wolves, and I can bet you the women in the audience were wishing it was them.

It was a hot, hot kiss.

Call me crazy, but I felt sparks during that kiss. OK, I felt friggin’ fireworks!

I mean, come on! It was the “Heartbreak Kid,” for Cryin’ out loud! The most beautiful man I had ever seen!

Ahhhhhhh, that kiss!!

The next week at TV, I was standing by the curtain watching the show, as we all usually do, and Shawn walked up behind me to look and watch over my head. As he inched closer and closer to me, I could feel his hot breath warming the hairs on the back of my neck.

“Do you feel that?” he whispered.

The “that” he was referring to was his hard di*k pressed firmly up against my as*. Oh yes, I felt it all right. Good and hard.

Instantly, I was turned on. I was moist. What red-blooded American girl wouldn’t have been when the “Heartbreak Kid” pushes his erection up against you and gives you chills with his breath?!?

I had a pretty good idea where this was going, and what his intentions were. And I was right. Later that evening he pulled me into an empty locker room and kissed me. And felt me. And groped me. And then, like a kid in high school, he f***ed me.

Yep, he banged me good, right there in the locker room.

It was so dirty and sexy and so not allowed within the crew that it made it even hotter.

Oh my God! It was mind-blowing $ex!

And that was the beginning of the love affair that would eventually lead to my first broken heart-ever.”

EXCOMMUNICADO

excommunicado

Excluded or kicked out of a group, posse, gang, organization. No longer under the protection by a group. 

We shouldn’t even have to address this shit because it gives those people a platform that they don’t deserve, but we will. It seems former members of HBE have a hard time letting go of their time with us. Once they are excommunicated, they continuously slander our current members through subliminal passive aggressive status updates. And when you check them, they block you. It’s sucker shit honestly, but it’s expected by effeminate dudes with no moral compass.Let’s face it, this lifestyle isn’t meant for everybody. You have to be a cold blooded cat to do this. And some dudes don’t have the mental makeup to consistently do it over a long period of time. They want the perks and benefits, but they also want the adoration of these ho3s at the same time. So they’ll play both sides of the equation. And more often times than not, they expose themselves.And that’s why they leave HB and become rogue and act reckless and throw brothers under the bus. Several former members of the movement are now excommunicado. John Wick fans know exactly what we mean by that. They're on notice.

THE DATING GAME

BY M.W. BECKWITH

Dating in 2019 is a game. Dating in 2019 is chess or checkers, depending on the user's skill level. Most guys want to take out women on dates because they're generally interested. Women want to date because they're bored, in between boyfriends, or just want a free meal to post on social media for clout with a caption that reads : "Finessed a free meal". It's wild out here, but this brief article will teach you how to play the game.

Going dutch on dates is always the goal 99.5% of the time. But let's be realistic, a lot of these ho3s are cheap. They either can't afford to pay for their own meal, or they're used to guys paying for them to eat. So going dutch might not always work. But there are ways to finesse. Pay attention to these cold tips:

MOVIE DATES: Invest in AMC Stubs list for $19.99 or $23.99 a month. You're entitled to THREE movies per week. Build up points, and it will look like you bought two movie tickets that usually run $30 for two people. She'll be impressed, and most of the time she'll offer to buy refreshments that will equal $25-30. If not insist that she can get the snacks. I've personally used this method MANY times.

DINNER DATES: This is foodies ultimate hustle. Women everywhere are hustling unsuspecting simps out of free meals. But theres a way to combat that treachery. Suggest that she goes dutch, but if she doesn't, purchase a $25-$50 dinner gift card to your favorite restaurant. (sometimes these gift cards have movie tickets attached, so they can become 2 for 1.) This might be the ultimate foolproof protection from foodies.

FREE DATES: There are some dates that are free, or damn near free. These types of dates can be used to see if she's generally in YOU or what YOU can do for her. Take her to the park for a causal stroll. Meet her at a coffee bookstore, or a state fair. This is the perfect litmus test to see if she wants your time or money.

BOOTY CALL/HOTEL DATES: We're not gonna sugar coat shit on Ho3busters man. Sometimes you fuck on the first date. It's just the way it is. And most of these scenarios end up in hotels. The only way to go here is half. Dutch. 50-50. Non-negotiable. Sex is an even exchange.  This is also a perfect place to have sex because you don't trust each other enough to go to each other's cribs just yet.

Closing words

Dating can be tricky if you're not an experienced vet. But we always got you covered. You're in good hands.

FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS

This story takes place in the summer of 2007 before the events of Burn Notice. This is a minor tale about simping and the trouble it can get you into.

On one summer night, 21 year old Morris Watson and his younger brother Darren are just chilling watching tv when their friend Jessie calls them to hang out. Jessie says: “Hey you guys wanna go to the mall and chill at Fun N Games”? Morris and Darren say: “Sure”. Shortly after the call, Jessie comes through with their other Farrelly, and they are on their way to the mall. As the friends get to the mall, they notice that Jessie is driving past the mall. In shock, the fellas say:”Hey Jessie, where the fuck are you going? You’re driving past the mall bro.” Jessie says: “I have to go do something real quick. We will go to the mall after I take care of this.” The fellas say: “Ok”. A few hours go by and Jessie is just driving and driving to nowhere it seems. Jessie had been driving so long to the point where the towns were full of trees and things started to look unfamiliar. After driving a few hours, Jessie stopped at a local gas station for directions. As Jessie asks for directions, Morris, Farrelly and Darren get out of the car & start leaning on it because they needed to stretch their legs from sitting so long. Not too long after getting out of the car, the guys notice the police coming into the parking lot. Being nervous, the guys call Jessie to get back into the car to leave. However, shortly after driving off, the cop stops Jessie. Everyone in the car was extremely nervous because they’d never been stopped by a cop before, and they were 4 young minorities(One Colombian, a Middle Eastern & 2 blacks) driving around in a neighborhood that didn’t have many minorities in it to say the least.
The cop asks for Jessie’s license and registration. Jessie takes it out and asks: “What’s the problem officer”? The officer says: “I’m stopping you for obstruction of view”. The crucifix rosemary bead is obstructing your vision of the road and I’m going to have to give you a ticket.” Jessie reluctantly accepted the ticket & they were on their way to their unknown destination.
All of the fellas were relieved that they weren’t frisked and arrested in this strange town, but they continued to ask Jessie where the hell they were going. Jessie then says: “I think my girl is cheating on me and she’s at the movies with the new guy. I am going to go confront them”. Morris, Darren and Farrelly were extremely annoyed, but they decided to back their friend because they didn’t know any better.
They get to the AMC theater in the middle of nofuckingwhere, and its pouring down raining with no parking spots. Jessie gets out of the car and says: “One of y’all take the wheel”. None of the guys in the car had a license, but that didn’t stop 16 year old Farrelly from taking the wheel and finding a parking spot.
Darren, Morris, and Farrelly go inside the theater to look for Jessie. The guys go up to the usher and say: “Our friend is in here and we are looking for him”. The usher lets them go, and they immediately start pacing looking for Jessie. After a few minutes of searching, they run into Jessie. Jessie looked visibly upset when he said: “I found her with the other guy and I confronted them.” Morris replied: “Thats it”? Jessie replied back: “Yea. Let’s go”.
When everyone got into the car, Morris said: “Man I am hungry. I want a motherfucking Baconator”. Darren & Farrelly said: “Us too.” Jessie replied: “Ok guys, I’ll buy all of you guys baconators. Not too long after picking up the baconators and driving off, the guys were lost and ended up being stopped by a cop again. But this time the cop was cool, and he gave Jessie directions on getting back home. Jessie drove off and dropped Morris & Darren home, and that was the end of a very eventful night.

FINAL WORDSWhen you’re young you do dumb shit. And when you’re a young simp you do even dumber shit. Jessie was 18, and I assume he was in love and not thinking straight. His CBD lead us on trip that took us in the middle of nowhere that could’ve put us in jail lol. But I’m not going to criticize him, because a year later (Burn Notice) and onward I would be on my own simp journey. Thank you for reading this prelude to Burn Notice.